if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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