I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
