I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
