In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
