I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
