woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
