you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
