Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
