I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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