ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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