i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Someone signed my nipple.
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