i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
