last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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