we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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