Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
