I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
