Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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