Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize