My first STD was from a foam party
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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