So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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