im about as happy as oj after his trial
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
