I think i peed on brittanys purse
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
