singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
