she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
