Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
