my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
