um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
