yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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