my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She's like a pop up book from hell.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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