I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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