Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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