i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
