I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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