Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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