i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize