its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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