my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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