Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
