How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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