My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
