Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
