i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
