Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
