His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize