It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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