I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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