if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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