Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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