I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
