i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
