i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize