its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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