Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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