Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
