Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize