Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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