just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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