i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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