i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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