I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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