Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
