I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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