i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
