they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
