The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
