I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
