If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
