I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
