she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
