it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
