I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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