yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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