Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
